“I just had to get the Mustang,” my inner conscience reminded me for the thousandth time as I slowly inched along the 395 freeway. The road ahead was nearly invisible, thanks to the turbulent ice storm I was now smack dab in the middle of. To make matters worse, my car’s rear-wheel drive was causing me to slide. Whenever I lightly touched the gas, it seemed as if I was going to spin out of control.
The year was 2010, and I was driving home from the Moonlite Bunny Ranch for the very last time. I’d worked at the Nevada brothel on and off for the past three years, but the time away from my family and long commutes were taking a toll. It was time for a new chapter in life.
“Reflecting on the past, there were a lot of things I should have been doing along the path.”
“Please, just let me find a place to pull over,” I whispered to the cold white world out in front of me. My shivering body was in a state of shock as I clutched the steering wheel with an iron grip, scared of driving into a tree.
Eventually, I was able to spot a gas station and buy some snow chains. After navigating myself out of that nightmare, I had to remove the chains myself and tore up my hands in the process. I was a bloody, beaten mess by the time I made it back home, emotionally and physically.
I dived full-on into the world of adult entertainment for the next decade, and minus some bad decisions I made in my early twenties, I always tried to make the effort of showing up to my bookings on time and prepared. I played by the rules and did my best as a performer, giving my all to whatever scene I was in, no matter the size of the production. I was fortunate enough to travel the world and take part in some amazing projects, yet the business has a cruel way of making almost anyone feel like they’re always putting in more than they’re getting back.
Reflecting on the past, there were a lot of things I should have been doing along the path that I simply didn’t jump on, like creating my own material and marketing it. Instead, I took the reliable paycheck as a performer over the risk of venturing out into making my own productions.
Some months back, I found myself sitting in traffic, coming home from yet another job no less, when my back started hurting from being in the car too long. It dawned on me that I was back where I had started 10 years previous, working for somebody else. Sure, I was making money when I performed, but what about when I was sleeping? The image of a tangled puppet up on a stage came to mind.
Battling anxiety is never easy, but rather than worry incessantly about all the things I couldn’t control, I wrote out a list of my talents and ideas. I then began viewing social media and video-hosting sites as tools instead of ankle weights. I focused more of my time on developing my brand over building up any one platform. Over the past few years, we’ve seen so many sites pop up that it’s hard to predict which ones will stick around, so it seemed only logical to dip my toes in all of them, and while some have picked up more quickly than others, each one comes with its own advantages.
Someone recently asked me what advice I would give to young women just getting into the industry, and the first thing that comes to mind is to make sure you take full advantage of all these opportunities we have to market ourselves in this world of social media. These thoughts were recently enforced when I spent an afternoon with an old friend, a retired performer no less.
“God, Britney,” she said, her voice edged with remorse. “What I wouldn’t give to be a new face in the industry right about now.” Over her second glass of Chardonnay, my friend reflected, “If only I was in my heyday through all of this.”
She then proudly stated, “The good news is, I got out and was able to move on with life. Hopefully, I’ll be able to soon say the same about you too.” Her words sounded more like a warning.
As happy as I was for her, our paths couldn’t be more different. If I were to come all this way, over a decade in the industry, to just simply pick up and move on to my next phase in life, I would be so disappointed. Truth is, there’s no going back, and the only way out of this tunnel is through it. Now that I’m shooting my own content, I haven’t been this enthusiastic to work in all my days.
When it’s said and done, all the years of showing up and doing the work is going to come full circle. I’m going to take what I’ve learned and the opportunities that I’ve worked hard for and march forward, accomplishing feats in life that the shy little girl I used to be back at the Bunny Ranch would have never dreamed possible. With the adult entertainment industry firmly in the hands of the fans and the performers themselves, we’re all living in the Golden Age of pornography, and I could not be more excited!
Like Pinocchio once said, “I had strings, but now I’m free. There are no strings on me.”
